33 Things
by h2ocatluvr33
Summary: 33 things the twilight characters shouldn't do!
1. Chapter 1: 33 Things Emmett Shouldn't Do

33 Things Emmett Shouldn't Do

Paint Edward's Volvo pink and sprinkle flowers on it, telling him to embrace his feminine side.

sing Barbie girl in the middle of the mall

go to walmart

challenge Kellan Lutz to a thumb war

break anything of Esme's

cross dress

tell Rosalie she's ugly and her clothes make her look fat

propose to Aro

Tell Alec that Marcus loves him and has trouble sharing his emotions.

Cheat on Rosalie

Give Alice sugar or caffeine

hide Bella from Edward

Take Renesmee to a Hollister photo shoot (my friend gave me this idea!)

get a tattoo ( the needle would break)

Tell Charlie Bella lost her virtue to Edward

dress up as a gangster and talk street

Start rapping with Carlisle

Start a rock band with Edward, Jasper, and Carlisle called the Pimp vamps.

Tell Tanya Edward loves him

Make Jasper lust for Edward

Dress in a pink tutu

throw water balloons at Bella

Think vulgar thoughts about Bella around Edward

Pretend he's a saint by walking on water ( got this from another fanfic…LOL)

Bet against Alice

Shoot paintballs around the house.

The puppy dog pout

Buy Edward a dog named Jacob

Buy Jacob a dog named Edward

Tell Bella Edward doesn't love her any more

Tell Alice she's crazy and should go to an asylum

Volunteer Jasper at a blood drive

Try to think….AT ALL!!!


	2. Chapter 2: 33 Things Jasper shouldn't Do

33 Things Jasper Shouldn't Do

Tell Alice she is an insane pixie

Cheat on Alice

Give Alice sugar

Cut off all of Alice's credit cards and spending money

Destroy her wardrobe

Propose to Jane

Make Edward lust for Jessica Stanley

Tell Tanya that Edward loves her

Tell Bella Edward doesn't love her

Dance to the song Low by Flo Rida ( Alice wouldn't mind though)

Sing Karaoke

Sing womanizer in the middle of class

Dance on the table in the cafeteria at school

Dress up as a vampire and tell everyone he is one (no one would believe him)

Steal Bella away from Edward

Drink Bella's blood

Tell Rosalie that her dress makes her look fat

Tell Alice he doesn't love her anymore because he's tired of her hyperness

Help out at a blood drive

Go into a museum that honors the Union

Dress in a confederate's uniform and scream that the confederates should have won the war.

Tell Alice her clothes are out of style.

Sing Opera with Edward

Try to be a comedian

Tell people hi real age

Ask Rosalie why she doesn't have kids.

Make an army of vampire squirrels to attack Emmett

Sing High school Musical songs

Destroy a museum honoring the Union.

Drive Emmett's jeep off a cliff

Take apart Rosalie's car and tell her he was trying to fix it.

Think of his love for Alice every time he's around Edward.

Listen to Emmett….EVER!


	3. Chapter 3: 33 Things: Alice Edition

33 Things Alice shouldn't Do

Shop

Stop shopping ( she may go insane)

eat sugar ( in this its bad for her hyper-ness)

Cheat on Jasper

fake a vision of Mike stealing Bella's virtue, in front of Edward

Run off with Marcus from the Volturi

Steal Bella for a 24/7 shopping trip

Make Bella carry her shopping bags.

Act like a gangster.

Compete in a wrestling match (although she would win it would scare people)

Date Emmett

Tell Jasper the confederates were horrible.

Lecture Jasper about how the Union deserved to win

Call Jasper a history nerd.

Conspire against Edward

Tell Esme that she should have children.

Tell Emmett that he is weak and Mike Newton could beat him.

Paint Emmett's jeep pink

Redecorate Edward's room so that it is fluffy and cute.

Tell Bella that Edward is really a girl

Tell Carlisle he is a bad doctor

Go to a mental clinic.

Tell everyone Jasper looks pained because he's constipated.

Tell everyone Edward is crazy because he "hears voices" in his head

Give the guys makeovers

Destroy Esme's furniture

Destroy Edward's CD collection

Buy Bella a new wardrobe with only lingerie

Challenge Edward to chess

Be a rapper with Emmett.

Go to a carnival as the gypsy "predicting the future"

Tell Jasper Jackson Rathbone is hotter than him.

Spin Bella in a circle until she pukes.


	4. Chapter 4: 33 Things Edward Shouldn't Do

33 Things Edward Shouldn't Do

Date Tanya

Kill Bella

Rip apart Emmett (Rosalie would be very irritated)

Spread rumors about Jessica Stanley

Tell Bella he doesn't love her anymore

Sing Womanizer and tell Mike Newton that's what he is

Challenge Emmett to an eating contest (well blood drinking contest)

Tell Rosalie Jacob is cooler than her.

Get mud on Alice's Porsche.

Destroy Jacob's car.

Tell Jacob that he has to go through the dog door if he wants to come to their house.

Refuse to let Jacob see Renesmee

Tell Rosalie Godzilla wanted her face back.

Tell Alice her clothes look like they are from the 80's

Follow through with any of Emmett's plans.

Help Emmett with any pranks.

Listen to Emmett…EVER…(I put this in Jasper's too)

Sing "Who Let the Dogs Out" anytime Jacob is around.

Eat Bella

Leave her again

Tell Charlie he is an imbecile and speak in a snobby British accent (no offense to anyone British.)

Try to beat box

go skinny dipping

Dress as a gangster with Jasper and Emmett

Walk around town as a gangster telling people they are "Boys from the hood"

Die his hair pink

Shave Rosalie's head

Propose to Alec of the Volturri

Tell James Bella is his snack

Drive Bella around in the Volvo at top speed.

Make Bella watch him kill animals.

Leave Emmett alone with Bella.

run around school in a ballerina costume


	5. Chapter 5: 33 Things Bella Shouldn't Do

33 things Bella Shouldn't Do (Human)

Try to walk in heels

Marry Robert Pattinson

Date Jacob

Cheat on Edward with Sam Uley

Tell Leah it's her attitude that broke her and Sam up

Give Jacob a dog named Edward

Give Edward a dog named Jacob

Try to dance with heels on.

Go out in the woods alone.

Try to beat-box

Try to break-dance

go to a strip club

Lose her virtue to Mike Newton

Burn Alice's clothes

Provoke Rosalie

tell Rosalie she needs an attitude check

Make Jacob and Edward have a peace picnic

Tell Edward that she doesn't love him ( it had to be done)

Run away from home

Act like superman

Tell the hospital staff that she enjoys visiting them.

Tell Charlie Edward sneaks into her room at night.

Tell Renee that she shouldn't have abandoned her kid like that.

Tell Phil he's bad at baseball.

Wear ugly clothes only around Alice

Shave her head

Die her hair purple

Tell Edward he's the cause of extinction.

Speak to Jasper in a very bad southern accent

Tell Jasper the confederates were stupid.

Stay home alone with only Emmett.

Tell Lauren Edward loves her.

Go to a sleepover with Alice

**A/N Ok What do you think of this one? Personally I like the whole talk to Jasper in a bad Southern accent, number 29. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6: 33 Things Esme Shouldn't Do

33 Things Esme Shouldn't Do

Growl (it's just not her)

Eat Bella

Listen to Emmett

believe anything Emmett says

partake in any of Emmett's pranks

Break dance

Act like a squirrel

Dress up as the playboy bunny for Carlisle

Play truth or dare with her kids

Tell a mother she's fat and should get back into shape

Steal a car ( again so not like her)

Listen to rap

Annoy Edward

Show Edward her and Carlisle in "R" rated acts

Display affection for Carlisle in front of her kids

Makeout with Carlisle in public

Play doctor and nurse in the hospital bed

Tell Jacob to leave so he doesn't stink up the house

attack Emmett with an army of llamas

keep a pet sheep in her backyard

dress in lingerie in public

Go into spencers…nuff said

Dress as a gangster

Walk around the street as a hobo

Hiss and growl at a kid

Slap Rosalie and tell her to stop whining about her past

Tell Jasper he's too sensitive and needs to man up

Force Bella to drink blood and tell her it's training for the future

Propose to Demetri of the Volturri

Runaway with Alec from the Volturri

Cheat on Carlisle

Have an affair with Edward

Challenge Emmett to an arm wrestling match


	7. Chapter 7:33 Things Carlisle Shouldnt Do

**A/N this is a more…twisted up 33 things…not toooooo bad but this is a fair warning now. BE WARNED! LOL enjoy the reading.**

Chapter 7: 33 Things Carlisle Shouldn't Do

Propose to Carlisle from the twilight movie.

Piss off Esme…not good

Flirt with the nurses at work.

Try to get Emmett…"mental" help…that poor therapist

Send Alice to an asylum.

Join the Volturri.

Tell Edward to have crazy wild sex with Bella.

Give Emmett the birds and the bees talk.

Send Jasper to therapy to help him "control his emotions better."

send Bella to therapy for "attempting suicide"

Anger the pixie named Alice.

Tell Rosalie she should stop having sex because Emmett can't take much more.

Tell Rosalie the universe hates her.

tell Edward he must make friends with Mike Newton (shudders)

Tell Esme she is such a softie… (That's why we love her though!)

Form a yodeling group with Jasper, Emmett, and Edward.

Dress as a rapper and try to spin on his head.

Attempt to get drunk with Emmett.

Tell Bella that her blush is a very bad habit.

Ask Emmett if he was on steroids as a human and that's why he's so freakin big!

Make Emmett go to kindergarten and tell the teacher he was held back a couple times.

cover Emmett in honey

Tell him the bear would have eaten him sooner if he had been in honey.

Make Rosalie ugly.

Tell her she wouldn't have been raped if she was that ugly.

Tell Edward he needs a major sex-ed class.

Have Emmett show Edward different positions daily.

Tell Jessica Stanley that she needs a doctor to help her work through her insecurities.

Tell Tanya that Edward will never be hers.

Call Esme "Nurse Naughty"… (So wrong in so many ways!)

dance at a club

Dance against a strip pole.

LOVE ANYONE OTHER THAN ESME


	8. Chapter 8:33 Things Rosalie Shouldn't Do

33 Things Rosalie Shouldn't Do

Die her hair purple

tell Alice that shopping isn't really her thing

dress Alice in a sack

date Mike Newton

Date Tyler Crowley

Date ANY of the Forks High Boys.

Do the deed with Edward…(EWWW)

Paint the Volvo pink and write "available call NOW!"

Tell Lauren that she wants to be friends.

Kiss Jacob Black

Hang around any of the pack

Make friends with Leah Clearwater (though they would be good friends)

Propose to Caius of the Volturri.

Cheat on Emmett

Kill Bella

Seduce Charlie… (Sick on soooooo many levels!)

Tell Jasper he has emotional problems.

tell Esme that Carlisle loves a nurse and she is going to have his child

Tell Carlisle Esme has run off with Aro.

Tell Edward he should see someone about the "Voices" in his head

Give Alice a brochure for an asylum

send Jasper to therapy to talk about his "feelings"

Send Alice to an Addiction rehab center.

Tell Bella that Edward ran away with Gianna from the Volturri.

Tell Jane that Alec is in love with Bella

Tell Emmett that Felix is Better than him

Roleplay with Emmett dressed as a priest and nun (no offense)

Put on makeup to look like a Barbie

Join the stripper club staff (wouldn't Emmett like that)

Cut her Hair

Tell Boys she sparkles like a million diamonds

Do the deed with Emmett on Edwards piano

Love ANYONE other than our teddy bear named Emmett!


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